I did not learn what unconditional love was, until I lost the person who loves me unconditionally. Even now, I would give my last breath if that meant she could have all hers back. With no hestitation.
I say all this, as I sit here, writing. One of my ways to cope. Today is my mother’s birthday. She would’ve been 57 going on 30. She looked every bit of it so no one ever debated her. She was my sister as far as strangers knew. I miss her. It hurts. It hasn’t gotten easier yet. I’m still waiting.
No one tells you how to do this. There’s no rule book. Everyone who hasn’t been through, and even some who have, tell you to stay strong. But, that’s the politically correct thing to say right? Not necessarily what I wanna hear even if you mean well. And most people do. The majority can’t even fathom a loss of that magnitude. And if I’m honest, I don’t want them to know, because it hurts. Nothing I ever say will be accurate enough to describe this pain. The crazy part is, I can’t do anything about it.
Nobody tells you that it might not ever get easier. That more often than not the mention of her name will bring you to tears. Forget a photo, the floodgates. No one tells you that you’ll struggle to find the words and feelings to put everything together. Some days you won’t want to talk at all. You’ll feel alone.
Nobody tells you that holidays, birthdays, and every day not marked on the calendar is different. It just is. Deep down you know it. Some days, you may want to pray. Others, you might be mad at God for putting you in this position, and you question everything you think you know. To try to make sense of it all. Grief is a real thing. A very real thing.
In three years and four birthdays, I can say that I’ve found my new normal, which wasn’t easy. I’ve managed to keep living. Which is what she would’ve wanted. The tears still come, the days are still long, like this one. But I’m here, somehow. By the grace of God and the prayers of everyone who loves me.
For those who think I have it all together, I absolutely, positively don’t. Don’t get caught up in appearances. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Occasionally, that means one foot is dragging. And I’ve learned to be ok with that too.
What I know for sure, is that life goes on. No matter how much I want it to stop for me. God gives grace and a way through as long as I ask for it. And every day, every moment is worth celebrating. As far as my Mom goes, she is in the little things now. Like the sunshine. I am her, she is me and we are one. Always. Happy Birthday Mommie. I love you. #1025.